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Musical Obscenity

by Gary Tucker

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1.
When I was younger I could go down yonder To the record store Flip thru the covers one after another I was never bored But now everything is on CD And they don’t have shit Whatever you are looking for The guy with a nose ring says They gotta order it Dude! I miss the hiss - Them vinyl records are the best I tell you this – They put your hearing to the test A state of bliss – Because the music never stopped I miss the hiss the snap the crackle and the pop Oh yes… The covers all rocked and you didn’t need to check ‘em With a microscope microscope The albums were the size of a dinner plate Stuffed into an envelope envelope But now everything is on CDs And they don’t have shit don’t have shit Whatever you are looking for That guy with a nose ring says They gotta order it Dude! * Dude! Wish I was younger and going down yonder Like I done before like I done before Flipping through the records One after another Couldn’t ask for more I couldn’t ask for more But now everything is on CDs And they don’t have shit they don’t have shit Whatever you are looking for That guy with a nose ring says They gotta order it Dude!
2.
The following song has been profanity filtered for your family enjoyment Cat’s ***, rat’s ***, smelly old *** Sixty-Nine *** bags tied in a knot *** suck, mother ***, *** lick too I’m a musical obscenity Who the *** are you? Left ***, right ***, *** cheek squeeze Ugly old *** down between your knees *** jiggle, *** wiggle, bounce it off your chin Look out behind you there’s a *** coming in Big ***ing load and a pile of *** Hairy old *** and a scary old *** Pair of *** all covered in scabs Holy *** got a wicked case of crabs Eeek! Left ***, right ***, *** cheek squeeze Ugly old *** down between your knees *** jiggle, *** wiggle, bounce it off your chin Look out behind you there’s a *** coming in Know what time it is now boys and girls? Time for a sing-a-long! Come on up here and join in with me, everybody! Ready? 1 2 3 (Chorus x3)
3.
Everything is dead inside Everyone makes me cry I dont want to even live my life All I want to do is say goodbye Feel my pain no one can No one feels the way that I do No you dont dont say you do Youre just lying like everyone I knew Im so sorry its not your fault Im to blame for everyone in pain Im insane I am shame This is the ending of all my pain Why do I even try Why do I even try Why do I even try Why do I even try Oh just look around you The world has found you And dont you know that its true Everybody gotta say goodbye But now the time aint right for you Oh no No reason to say goodbye Because the time aint right for you No reason to say goodbye Because the time aint right for you
4.
Minivan 02:06
I just bought a minivan Turned the key and F-You Man Seemed like a pretty good deal But now I bend over and squeal Because that van don’t go at all I done got screwed right to the wall This is about what I am talking I bought a minivan But I'm still walking I like to play the radio Even if that van don't go I roll the windows up and down Pretend I’m driving into town I done got screwed to the wall Because that van don’t go at all This is about what I am bitching I bought a minivan But I'm still hitching I done got screwed right to the wall Because that van don’t go at all This is about what I am talking I bought a minivan but I'm still walking I bought a minivan but I'm still walking I bought a minivan but I'm still walking
5.
Hello there! Where have you gone? You are number one And I love you more than any person Under the sun What have I done? Since you been gone Life just isn’t any fun Because lately all our conversations Consist of one Where have you gone? Where have you gone? You are the only one And I will always love you more than any Thing under the sun Where have you gone? Where have you gone? Thank you very much, that was a lot of fun.
6.
My D-O-G 02:26
My D-O-G Is a B-I-G F-A-T L-O-A-D Wants to E-A-T everything in S-I-G-H-T She ought to B-E on a D-I-E-T Won't B-I-T-E no C-A-T Because S-H-E Is A-F-R-A-I-D W-I-M-P That my great B-I-G F-A-T Load of a D-O-G Yeah that's my D-O-G She is a B-I-G G-I-A-N-T L-A-R-G-E H-O-R-S-E My D-O-G eats like a P-I-G A big F-A-T L-O-A-D I L-O-V-E my great B-I-G enormous F-A-T Load of a D-O-G I L-O-V-E my great B-I-G enormous F-A-T Load of a D-O-G I L-O-V-E my great B-I-G enormous F-A-T Load of a D-O-G D-O-G
7.
This I Swear 02:38
I look at you in the morning true And I keep you with me all day This I swear for those who care Is what makes life A-OK Every time that I go without you Really bites the big one in the sky This I swear for those who care Makes me wanna break down and cry So I don't and then I do What the hell is it to you? One day we laugh and then we cry One day we live and then we die Every time that I go without you Really bites the big one in the sky This I swear for those who care Makes me wanna break down and cry So I don't and then I do What the hell is it to you? One day we laugh and then we cry One day we live and then we die I look at you every morning true Gonna keep you with me every day This I swear for those who care Is what makes life A-OK You make life A-OK You make life A-OK
8.
Alright! Sometimes it can be fun Imitating Morrison Fly into a drunken rage Or even whip it out on stage yeah Hey I've heard it all before All of your tunes sound like the doors So when I take you back in time You'll swear it's 1969 Yeah One pair of leather pants Never made it out of France Took a bath when stoned and drunk And like a stone he sunk Petitioning the Lord From inside a Ouija board Gonna say it one more time You'll swear it's 1969 Yeah You know it aint no fun Impersonating Morrison When the cops are in your face Swingin' clubs and sprayin' mace So put away that Ouija board I'm gonna sing it like the doors Gonna tell ya one more time You'll swear it's 1969 yeah I'm gonna tell ya one more time You'll swear it's 1969 hey Gonna say it one last time I'm stuck in 1969
9.
I get the Blues So very blue on Christmas I get so blue yes it's true On Christmas Choked on a bone at Grandma's dinner table So now I'm blue Turning blue for Christmas I got O2 on my wish list When I'm blue nothing else will do Bit off more than I could chew my friend Now dig this... I get the blues Cause I'm turning blue on Christmas I hope somebody buys me a respirator Yeah cause I surelt do want my color back I hope somebody knows the heimlich maneuver Before I cruise out of the blue And into the black I got the blues So very blue on Christmas Hey I get so blue yes it's true On Christmas Choked on a bone at Grandma's dinner table So now I'm blue Turning blue for Christmas I got the blues Turning blue on Christmas I got the blues Cause I'm turning blue on Christmas
10.
Once a thousand dead Swirled around my head asking why No one else could see them They didn’t even try How I wish that I could satisfy the voice of a single one There is nothing I could do Not one thing under the sun There is nothing I could do That aint already done Try to shield my eyes behind the wall of stone Still the call from above the sky Aint never gonna leave me alone How I long to satisfy the voices of each and every last one There is nothing that I could do That aint already done Oh I can’t deal with it anyway And so I turn my back and run Run How I wish that I could satisfy the voices of every last one There is nothing I can do That aint already done There aint one thing that I can do under this or any sun Still a thousand ghosts Swirl around my head asking why Nothing I can say so I don’t even try No I don’t even try I don’t even try
11.
Well I hate the winter I aint going out of the door I hate the winter Aint going outside no more Don’t wanna freeze to death Before I’m half way to my car That’ll be quite alright cause I aint gonna go nowhere Thank you please all the same I just aint gonna go anywhere At one degree when it feels like forty below Out there I hate the winter Because it really blows I need to adjust my latitude You know Cold as a little bitch kitty Wont you listen right here Hey hey Colder than a witch’s left titty So I aint going nowhere Beyond this door you never never Gonna catch me there Because I hate the winter You know that it really blows I need to adjust my lattitude You know Well I hate the winter So I aint going out the door no more Yes I hate the winter And I aint going outside no more Too darn cold And I just can't take it no more Too darn cold And I just can't take it no more Too darn cold And I just can't take it no more
12.
Jingle Hell 02:25
Did you ever wonder why Santa's suit is red Or how those reindeer fly While chained up to a sled Dead on Christmas Eve You were a real A-Hole So now you're gonna get a gift That's way much worse than coal Hey! Jingle bells down in hell Time to burn and roast You could trim the Christmas Tree While turning into toast Jingle bells down in hell The mistletoe has thorns Watch your ass or get impaled On Santa Claus' horns Tormenting your soul There's nothing you can do All day you shovel coal On this Christmas barbecue Stuck down there in hell Eternity so long The only thing on the radio Are Michael Jackson songs Eww *** I said watch your ass or get impaled On Santa Claus' horns
13.
Hey kids! Uncle Gary with a brand new ditty-doo about road rage. Fasten your seat belts and let's go... R is for Road Rage The murderous feeling inside O Obscene gestures Hold them way up high A for the Asshole That run me offa the road D the way he's Driving Like a retarded 2 year old Oh I sing the song of Road Rage And shake my fist in the air Acting like a total psycho Because I'm too pissed off to care Hmmmmm... R (again) for Reefer Hey they drive like they been smoking a ton A Ammuinition Good thing I aint got a gun G for the Gasoline tank I hope it freaking explodes E a tribute to the EMT That’s gotta scrape you off the road Now remember kids think of your awesome Uncle Gary and sing this lil number any time some jerkoff decides they are gonna swerve into your lane without looking, or shine their brights into your eyes. It’ll come in handy every time… Oh let's sing this song of Road Rage And shake our fists and swear Jumping up and down like a psycho Because we're too pissed off to care Oh yes we’re too pissed off to care We’re too pissed off to care Wooo….
14.
123 Every thing we do is preconditioned The outcome is always fixed so come here listen Put on your aluminum foil hat I am gonna tell you where it’s at… No one has a past that goes un-checkered Every thing you do is part of the record Every word you say gets taken down Dimensions of your private things abound Checking out the world we must agree Aint no kind of place for you and me I bid goodbye to foe and love as well See you in a brand new kind of hell Aint no way to stop what you are getting The love that is gonna outdo Armageddon I hope I get to look into your eyes The moment we begin to vaporize Checking out the world it is today Aint for us to keep it anyway I bid goodbye to foe and love as well See you a brand new kind of hell On the other side of two thousand and twelve On the other side of two thousand and twelve
15.
Toast 04:07
Yesterday I had some toast for breakfast Circumstances turned my smile around No sooner than I had spread the butter on my slice of toast I spazzed out and dropped it to the ground It always hits the floor with butter down I always have a slice of toast for breakfast It is what keeps the happiness around Damn these butter fingers that made me drop it Like the toast my life has fallen down I said like the toast my life has fallen down Wish I had a slice of toast for breakfast The plate looks so empty; I miss my toast so dry Since I fumbled and lost the toast at breakfast I’m so alone it makes me wanna cry I miss my crispy buttered slice of rye Yesterday I dropped the toast at breakfast Circumstances turned my life around No sooner than I had spread the butter on my slice of toast I spazzed out and dropped it to the ground It always hits the floor with butter down
16.
Dental extraction really really hurts Your jaw starts a-crackin' The blood begins to squirt I sure am no liar; my song is all about The way they take the plier and rip 'em all out Dental Extraction Oral Subtraction They open up your mouth and they shove a needle in You walk around all day with spittle on your chin Could slap you in the face; you would barely even know Cause you’re full of Novocain and you’re number than a stone Dental Extraction No Satisfaction Here we go… They say don't be a baby; this won't hurt a bit Long as you are paying nobody gives a shit They come at you with vise grips, screwdrivers and the like Soon you're gonna bleed like water from a dike Dental Extraction No Satisfaction Dental Extraction Oral Subtraction

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released January 1, 2010

© 2010, Gary Tucker

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Gary Tucker Bath, Pennsylvania

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