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1. |
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The day I fell in love
Was the day they dropped the big one
From somewhere up above
Check out all that radiation
I met her on a blind date
And she was looking very pretty
But now I hope that she don’t mutate
And tear apart the city
Oh she’s the hottest babe around
Because she’s got that special glow
That’ll turn your insides brown
With just one hug you know
So don’t mess around with my nuclear gal
She’s only gonna burn you and she won’t be your pal
Her kisses leave me feeling like I had a root canal
So never never never never mess
With my nuclear gal
My nuclear gal
The power’s out each night
But we’re still making do
She is a built-in light
And an oven too
That’s right conveniences abound
We don’t need to use no lighter
Cause she’s the hottest chick in town
And I sure don’t wanna fight her
Oh don’t mess around with my nuclear gal
She’s only gonna burn you and she won’t be your pal
Her kisses leave me feeling like I had a root canal
So I never never never never mess
With my nuclear gal
My nuclear gal
My nuclear gal…
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2. |
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Just a little song about the people that I know
That smile so completely when they stick it to you so
And each and every time you hear them promise you the moon
They’re kissing you like Judas on a Thursday afternoon
And when they think they’d maybe score a brownie with the boss
They steal your favorite hammer back you up against your cross
Don’t try to question nonsense that they feed you with a spoon
They’ll stare at you like Manson on a Friday afternoon
Oh no…
These kind of people are not worth your time
They only want to separate you from your dime
As long as you try so hard never to care
You better not turn your back or you’re gonna lose
Your chair
Oh yeah…
That’s my song about the people that I know
That smile so completely - they screw you over so
And each and every time you hear them promise you the moon
They’re kissing you like Judas each and every afternoon
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3. |
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I had a big disruption
An alien abduction
They took me on a trip so far away
And though it’s even sadder
They rearranged my matter
They must have taken half my brain away
Oh they must have taken half my brain away
So now I'm really stressing
The wife thinks I'm B.S.ing
She wants to know where I been for three days
I don’t remember nothin’
Since they got me with the suction
And that is how the story's gonna stay
Oh that is how the story's gonna stay
OK
A happy interruption
That alien abduction
And soon they'll come back for another trip
My story sounded cheesy
But the wife will soon believe me
Once they beam her to the Mother Ship
Oh once they beam her to the Mother Ship
Oh once they beam her to the Mother Ship
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4. |
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Stepping off from my front porch
My eyes are opening wide
To the beauty around me
It makes me happy inside
*** I’m taking my time
Feeling the sunshine
Watching the leaves blow
I’m taking it slow
I’m taking my time
Winter’s around the corner
There’s a chill everywhere
But the sun is still shining on me
And I’m floating on air
***
Walking with you beside me
You gotta understand
There is just nothing better
Than when I’m holding your hand
***
We’re taking our time
Taking our time…
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5. |
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The devil came knocking on the door
Now all he wants to do is linger
I listen to the angel on my shoulder
And so I gave him the finger
He rearranged the meaning of the flag
And he stripped away the glory, glory!
And now he wants to burn us all again
With yet another story
I say no
I don’t believe the devil or his lies
I don't think you buy it either
And if he thinks I’m gonna close my eyes
Then he must be smoking reefer
Cause waiting is a lesson that I learned
Straight from the devil’s father
There isn’t anything else you can do
So don’t you even bother
I say no
The devil came knocking on the door
Now all he wants to do is linger
I listen to the voices of the world
And so I gave him the finger
Oh yes I gave the devil the finger
I gave the devil the finger
I gave the devil the finger
I gave the devil the finger
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6. |
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Gathering the trash in my apartment
Taking out the garbage all day long
Though cleaning is not fun
Still gotta get it done
And so I have a garbage roundup song
I leave this room and move into the next one
I pick up every piece of crap I see
This nasty evil chore
Has got me very bored
My garbage roundup song could set me free
Like this
Now the place is looking so much better
Cleaner than I think it’s ever been
Because I had this song
It did not take that long
And now I get to mess things up again
I’m on a roundup
A garbage roundup
Gathering the trash in my apartment
Taking out the garbage all day long
Though cleaning is not fun
Still gotta get it done
And so I have this garbage roundup song
I’m on a roundup
I’m on a roundup
A garbage roundup
I’m on a roundup
A garbage roundup
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7. |
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Hey you know I got something to say
I am here for you today
And my love is here to stay
And it will always be that way
So listen hey
I love you each and every day
More than words can say
And I hope that is OK
It will always be that way
Thank you for being there when others turn their back
You're really sweet and that's a FACT
I love you more with every passing day
And it will always be that way
Yes it will always be that way
Thank you for bringing the sunshine to my day
You are an angel in every way
I hope that its alright don't you see
Youre the only one for me
Youre the only one for me
So listen hey
I love you in every way
More than words could ever say
More with every passing day
And it will always be that way oh baby
It will always be that way
It will always be that way
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8. |
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You want me in the springtime baby
Whatever happened to the fall?
The winter’s falling all around my head
Everybody lining up to break my balls
But I’m the dancer of the sunshine baby
Watch me bring it right to your door
Oh yeah
If you don’t answer it’s alright now baby
Cause that’s what other days are for
Oh yes that’s what other days are
So if you love me this morning tell me
What happened to this afternoon?
The evening’s coming really quick
And darkness will be kicking my ass soon
Still I’m the dancer of the sunshine baby
Watch me bring it right to your door
Oh yeah
If you don’t answer it’s alright now baby
Cause that’s what other days are for
Oh yes that’s what other days are
So if you want me in the springtime baby
Whatever happened to the fall?
The winter’s falling all around my head
Everybody lining up to break my balls
Yet I’m the dancer of the sunshine baby
Watch me bring it right to your door
Oh yeah
If you don’t answer it’s alright now baby
Cause that’s what other days are for
And I tell you that’s what friends are
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9. |
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I told you my name
And that was a mistake
You drive me insane
So give me a break
Prepare for the day
That finds me out of the way
I told you my name
That was the first mistake I tellya
That was a big mistake
Here I am with you
Don’t know what to do
No graceful way
To take my escape
When I hooked up with you
That was mistake number two I tellya
That was mistake number two
And I got the blues
I told you my name
And that was a mistake
You drive me insane
So give me a break
Prepare for the day
That finds me out of the way
I told you my name
That was the first mistake I tellya
That was a big mistake
That was the first mistake I tellya
That was a big mistake
That was the first mistake I tellya
That was a big mistake…
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10. |
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This is the time of year
When everything starts turning bad
It’s getting really cold outside
And the days are getting short
And it’s making me sad
Everybody saying "look how pretty"
When the trees start to wither and die
But that only depresses me
And now I really want to cry
Oh the seasons are affecting me
And that is a total shame
Better get some sunshine in my life
Or go insane
I really want to hibernate
And I will tell you the reason why
Every year between November and May
I only want to die
Everybody hates my guts
But I won't let them see me this far down
I was very happy yesterday
But now everything has been turned all around
This is the time of year
When I had best hide out and do my thing
I’m trying hard to keep it all together
And I’m going through the motions until next spring
The seasons have affected me
And that is a crying shame
I better get some sunshine in my world
Before I go insane
I really want to hibernate
And I will tell you the reason why
November is only a week away and
I only want to die
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11. |
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Sailing on the deep blue deep blue sea
What would you expect to see?
Wave after wave and that’s about it
Sailing on the ocean on a boring ass ship
Wish I had me a magazine
Cause I got nothing to do it seems
But sit here all day watching my toenails grow
And just like the wind I say this really blows
Ahoy matey!
Sailing on the deep blue deep blue sea
Hurry up and rescue me
Scrape these barnacles off my brain
The sea gulls are driving me insane
And sharks are circling day and night
Around my little raft in the ocean of life
And I’m sick and tired of floating around
I gotta plant my feet on solid ground
Instead I’m sailing on the deep blue deep blue sea
What the hell do you think I see?
Wave after wave and that’s about it
Sailing on the ocean on a boring ass ship
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12. |
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Evil voodoo coming your way
The jinx has been lifted off of me today
And all your intentions are on their way home
Magnified and focused and now they're all your own
The triple whammy the hex and the curse
So glad I aint you I don't know what could be worse
Playing around with the ultimate sin
You're buried in trouble right up to your chin
Evil voodoo is coming your way
Think I better go now it's been really great
See ya!
Can't hide behind your money that won't make you immune
Everything you do is bouncing back to you soon
Can't cover things up with innuendos and lies
I'll never understand why you'd bother to try
You blew my trust you're such an obvious liar
And running out of time now you're down to the wire
And evil voodoo is well under way
The sad thing is you dont even care anyway
So glad I aint you I don't know what could be worse
Than scary evil mojo the thing you deserve
The triple decker whammy the hex and the curse
That evil evil voodoo it's what you deserve
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13. |
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Hello Gentile boys and girls!
Uncle Gary here with a family Christmas story for everyone.
So gather round the fireplace and bring your cocoa.
Let’s go…
I woke up Christmas Eve cause I thought I heard an intruder
Thinking Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, or even Freddy Kruger
Turns out Santa Claus is no match for an old German Luger
Now this is one mess I can't clean up with my trusty little Hoover
I only opened fire because I was shaken with fear
I went into the kitchen there’s a fat guy drinking a beer
I swear this is not about the coal that he left me last year
So you better help me hide this stiff before the cops get here
Oh you better help me hide it quick before the cops get here
The elves and the reindeer now are free from oppression
So they gave me a cheer and helped me cover up this little indiscretion
They delivered extra toys in an act of forensic misdirection
And whispered to the New York Times that Santa "suffers from depression"
So I guess it's back to normal for me as I go about my day
Except I can't use the fireplace cause something is blocking the way
And I still gotta deal with Mrs. Claus and I gotta torch the sleigh
Because Santa came over to my house and now he's here to stay
Santa came over to my house and now he's here to stay
Santa came over to my house and now he's here to stay
Merry Christmas hahahaha…
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14. |
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Lyrics
So! It is you! You have disgraced me for the last time!
Now you must face the ultimate challenge
Ha ha ha ha!
I broke my nose in my karate class
Can’t smell a rose and you know that bites the royal ass
I heard something crack and I knew it just wasn’t the wood
I’d go back in time and erase that day if I could
Oh yes I would
This guy said please hold for an elbow strike if you don’t mind
How could I know that he would turn out to be freaking blind
Tried to break the boards but instead he hit me square in the face
The next thing you know I’m bleeding all over the place
Such a disgrace
I broke my nose in my karate class
And I can’t smell a rose and you know that bites the royal ass
I heard something crack and I knew it just wasn’t the wood
I’d go back in time and I’d erase that day if I could
Oh yes I’d go back in time and erase that day if I could
You better believe I’d go back in time and erase that day if I could
Oh yes I would oh yeah I’d go back in time and erase that day if I could
I hope you learned your lesson! Ha!
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15. |
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I go to sell my car to you
Insurance rates keep going higher
And I don’t know what to do
Cause I can’t seem to find a buyer
So come on baby slice my tire
Come on baby slice my tire
Try to set my car on fire
Speaking hypothetically too
I have collision theft and fire
I don’t know what else I can do
Cause now I’m getting down to the wire
So come on baby slice my tire
Come on baby slice my tire
Try to set my car on fire
Alright
I want to sell my car it’s true
Insurance rates keep going higher
I don’t know what else I can do
Cause now I’m getting down to the wire
So come on baby slice my tire
Come on baby slice my tire
Try to set my car on fire
Try to set my car on fire
Try to set my car on fire
Try to set my car on fire
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